aku hidup untuk diri sendiri...

this past few days kn, i knew other people's opinions about me...most of the time, im a positive thinker...so, words spoken will never affect me...but this time, gosh, it really hurts me A LOT....i cant really describe me how much it pains me...but, i just stayed positive and assumed that they have no clue whatsoever about things that happened to me...

well, my forever best-est best friend is my mom...she knew everything about me...we are so damn close...i almost cry when we talked about this bullshit...

i dont really care what others might think of me...because i live for me not for them...whatever decisions i made or will make is basically for my own good...

did they ever consider about me when they made decisions in their life before? obviously, NO...

do they will think of me as part of their decisions next? obviously, NO...

because they are who they are...they live for themselves...they made decisions for their own good...and any problems they encountered stayed in their freaking mind until they find the perfect solutions...

and thats what happened to me too...FYI, it happens all the time...who said life isnt about ups and downs? those who didnt experienced the wheel of life, are not human...

i do have my own problems...lots of it...some i found the perfect solutions...some i found so-so solutions...while some i cant even think of any way out...oh not to mention the pending problems...gosh...

im studying not working...so, obviously money is the major problem...i knew it will be my problem since i studied in matric...thus, i learned how to control my money flow...i seldom asked money from anyone mostly my family unless if i really needed it...i seldom asked my family to buy me things unless if they offered then i will say yes...my money source is my parents...i know how much my dad's monthly income...i know how much will my dad pay for utilities each month...and i know how much money left...and i do know how much will i get from it...

i do really sorry for my parents...i feel like im leech-ing their money out...i always wanted to stop my parents from giving me money...but, they will always give...if they asked me if i still have enough money, sometimes i did lied to them, and said i have enough...but inside my purse, its lesser than enough...

after the conversation with my mom, i think of quitting uni...i can always apply back to study...and will look for a job to please everyone...and for the first time, my motto of "live for my own" is useless...how can i study happily and peacefully if im the leech? 

if i have kids one day, i will always support them if they want to further their study...thats what my parents did to me and thats what i will do...i know my mom wanted me to further my study, but i cant because others might not like it...its not easy to please everyone...but for the time being, quitting is the best way out...cause i dont wanna be the leech in anybody's eyes...

huh? suka bawa payung?

yeah...aku obses bw payung...i cant leave my house without it...and i dont know why...

everytime i went out, i will always considering - to bring or not to bring...but, sure u know the answer...

serius, aku benci...

aku ada sorg kwn ni...knl nta dr thun bila...dia kazen with my best buddy...dr awl kmi knl, dia mmg tau sy ada special someone...till one day, i told him la yg im currently single, since he asked me if im still with his cousin or not...

but before he asked me that, he always said that he likes me...he always asked if i will be his gf one day...and as always my answer will be no, not now...

since i knew him, i never asked anything about his current/past relationship...coz for me kn, sbagai kwn x perlu la mau tau...mcm busy body pla...

but he always call me syg eventho im not his syg...sy x kesa if dia mau pgl sy syg...coz i just assume syg is my new nickname instead of afen...

from the first time, i gave him my number, i was like not wanting/expecting his call/text...i gave him my dg, so i left my dg phone in my bedroom, always...but after a few days, few phone calls and few texts from him, i decided to reply all, its been ages since i last reload my dg so i used my celcom...but actually kn, sy x suka ba mau reply or talk with any guy..tp rsa bsalah punya pasal sy reply all msgs tmasuk la msgs yg sy x reply dulu2 x kira sepa sendernya...

recently, after weeks of silence between the two of us, i decided to give him a call...as always im syg...he asked me again if i would love to be his gf...and as always i said no, not now...

lg 1 benda aku x ska is aku x ska mau cek fb org...apa lg mau bca latest status updates...but yesterday, i was 'told' to check his fb...so i checked la...guess what i found in his timeline..earlier feb 2012, twice ah he puts married to _________...and just days before i called him, he changed from married to single...

his latest posts kn mainly about a guy and a cheating girl...1 postnya he mention yg llki n ppuan tu da bbek n da blik together n happy with a child...so i asked him why...dgn kerasnya lg sy tnya dia...

finally dia mgaku...mmg dia setia dgn ppuan tu slama ni...tp ppuan tu curang dgn dia...and i was like, wow, pndi ko tipu sy slama ni ya...and he said "sy mmg ska ko"...nsb bek sy cma agp dia kwn...

then sy msg la dia, "sburuk2 mn pun prangai ppuan tu, if ko mmg syg dgn dia dr dlu, ko patutnya cri jln utk bbek dgn dia...bkn p cri ppuan len utk mlupakn prob...if ko cri ppuan len e2 hanya tmbhkn prob..."

serius aku benci llaki mcm ni...mmg la ht sakit if gf/bf curang...tp jan la gunakan ppuan/llki len utk mlupakan the cheating gf/bf...some cases kn mmg la bkesan cra rebound ni...tp what if the cheating gf/bf wanna us back? ko tau ko mmg ska the cheating gf/bf n ko gna kn ppuan/llki bru, for sure yg bru ko lpaskn kn...e2 la reason why ppl x akn cri bf/gf bru in blink of an eye due to hope...hope that they will be together again...kta sure mharap mcm tu sbb kta tbesa dgn "let loose of someone that u love, if he/she comes back, then he/she is yours to keep"...unless if llki tu mmg ska dgn yg bru then tu len crita la knn...haha

tp yg ppuan ni pun 1...bfnya c A dia curang dgn c B dia break dgn c B dia blik dgn c A then dia curang lg dgn c C...omigod...aku serius benci jua dgn ppuan mcm ni...mcmn la llki akn ska ppuan if llki sndri pun tkt dgn possibility ppuan curang...last2 dpt llki yg curang dan bknnya llki bek...ppuan ni hrus rasa bruntung coz c A mc ska n setia dgn dia...tp org kata setia ni ada had limit...n if dorg ada baby, aku hope sgt2 yg dorg akn blik n setia n happy together for the sake of the baby...

n me? im 23, still young...n i dont wanna have any bf...coz i still wanna enjoy my commitment-free life...

btw, he just called me...he said pls dun get mad...so i just said, sy x mrh, sy cma x mau tmbh masalah...sekian....

6th sense...mati

pena ka kmu tba2 trasa/tfikir mcmn kta mati one day? mcmn kta hembuskn nafas terakhir? sakitkah? trus p mana la kita if kita sdh mati nnti? kta mc bnafas ka tu ya bla kita sdh jd roh? etc...

sy paling x suka if sy suddenly tfikir mcm ni...i cant sleep n sy blh nangis...

klu sudah jd mcm ni kn, knfm sy akn tell myself to not think more bout it or i force myself to forget it or i switch on my laptop n pretend to watch movie or hear songs loudly...

bkn sbb sy takut mau mati...tp mati kn benda paling confirm dlm dunia...so no need to be afraid of, right...

tp, yg bt sy x ska is i know that there is someone in family that will pass away...n i dont know how i know this, that i cant tell anybody about it before it really happened...

sy tau some of u kn knfm la ba pena rasa/fikir mcm ni kn..bad feelings bout something...

but, i realized this since i was a kid...back in tawau when i was 7@8 yrs old...tp waktu tu sy x nangis la coz budak2 otak mc d lutut...mn la fkir benda len kcuali main main n main...

waktu tu sy fikir psl mati...n i was so afraid...then a few days later, my dad's bestfriend kn pass away...

at first, sy x la pduli lgsg....tp bla sdh bsar2 sdh kn, makin mjadi ni...byk sdh org yg pass away after each kejadian...my uncles, my aunties, my cousins...

recently, last week...it happened again...then my aunty pass away the next day...

few yrs ago, my mama tua (my mom's sister) punya cucu kn tunang ba di tawau...so kmi decided mau konvoi la ni gna kreta from kk to tawau...my parents dorg mau p...sy x mau lgsg ikt dorg p tawau coz bkn jua close sgt kn sy dgn my own cousins semua...tp nta sepa yg send msg p otak sy n bgtau sy utk join konvoi tu to save my parents...meaning, if sy follow them, then my mom n my dad will safe...tp kmi x sma kreta...my dad len, my mom len, n sy len...tp sy x risau, as long as sy ikt, then dorg akn slamat...the 2nd reason why i join is that person also told me that there will be an accident...sume kreta ada possibility to be in that accident minus the 3 cars who brought my mom, my dad n i...so, left 2 cars...50-50 chance la dorg...so on the way back kn, btul2 la ada accident, dorg masuk parit...sume slamat la, cuma lebam2 n kemik skit ja kreta...

bkn bad things ja la yg sy blh tau...any other things pun...contoh, msa sy d mtrk kn, sy mandi...tba2 tfikir sony ericsson...punya sy pelik...nta knapa tba2 sy tfikir psl tu..tp mlmnya, my roomate blik dr jmpa org...org yg dia jmpa tu bg dia hp sony...

msa exam spm...paper english...days before the exam kn tba2 sy kna bgtau psl apa yg kluar part literature...jd sy pun bca tu ja la...coz sy trust my own instinct...msa exam day, btul2 kluar...sy pun happy la coz sy sdh hafal hehe...tp part exam ni sy sure bkn sy sorg ja pena org len pun...hahaha

apa2 pun, sy still rsa takut if benda mati tu dtang lg...coz sy tau what will come next...cma sepa ja yg sy x tau...in case sy huish lg la aku tkt...

My Precious Valentine...with dad...

it wasnt a day with my boyfriend....but it was a day that my father was discharged from hospital...and it was the blessed day ever..

sat, 11 feb 2012..
at first, i blamed myself for not checking my father thoroughly...i just knocked the door, switched on the light, and asked my father if he wants to eat or not...i thought my father was sleeping...but he wasnt...

he was cold, shaking, sweating, and unconscious...i have no idea how long he was in that conditions..a minute, an hour, or maybe more...i was scared and panicked...not sure what to do, i texted my sister and called my mom...i was actually crying for a minute in my room before i decided to text, to call and to go downstair to tell my other sister...

i cant handled that kind of situation...i will be crying inside while shaking on the outside...i was full with guilt...

when we were in the hospital, waiting patiently outside the emergency room, families keep asking me, why i didnt waking up my dad earlier...i did...but my assumption was wrong...

the doctor told us that my father's sugar level was low...dangerously low...1.9...he could die...so he stayed in the hospital for 4 days...dripped with sugar...

my father's sugar count can increase/decrease like bullet train fast or snail slow...and it was pretty scary...coz we have to maintain the sugar...so that it not fall to dangerously low or fly up to diabetic high...it was easy in the hospital since they have their sugar indicator (not sure whats its name)...but its really hard now since my dad already checked out from the hospital-hotel...

so, we have to make sure that my dad have enough sugar everyday...thats mean, eating sweets....and eating on time...no more skipping meals...

i wish that after this experience, no more drop dead sugar incident...i want my parents to be A ok...

btw, i love to celebrate valentine's day...even if some people said that it shouldnt be celebrated...since love can be celebrate each and everyday...but for me, YES we can celebrate and cherish our love everyday, we can buy flowers, chocolates or presents everyday...but valentines day is known as love's day...no matter what history behind it, but its a LOVE's DAY....its a day to express love, to share love and to be with love out of jealousy (sy mengaku sy jeles nmpk kwn dpt bunga bln may padahal bukan valentines day coz sy pun mau 1...so bgus lg bg sma2 dgn kwn msa valentines day so no envy girl hehe...)....

so, apa2 pun yg other people ckp psl valentines day, i tak kesa...sy mau jua celebrate valentines day the way i want to celebrate it...valentines day not strictly to christians only...its for all...same goes to friendship day...why you wanna celebrate friendship more than love?? is friendship for all while love for christian?? if people still wanna categorized non-living things as christian or non-christian, go ahead...my advice for christians out there - we stand what we stand, hold tight, remain silent, and dont join anger..my advice for non-christian out there who want to plot anything against christian - as malaysians, you should know that Islam and AGONG are two issues that shouldnt be touched, your religion is secured now and forever, then why bother others?

its feb = love....i love u...u love me??

its february...its cupid...its love....so, i want to post anything that relate to love...from now till the end of this month...boring??? i tak kesa...

so now, im officially switching on my love mode...jubii...

i knew that nobody's perfect...but, im kinda perfectionist...well, for sure, i cant be perfect, but, i can try to be one...and people say, human will make mistakes from the beginning of their live till they turn to stony cold 6ft under...but that doesnt mean that we as human are OK to make mistakes...NEVER...but, we as human are OK to prevent doing any mistakes...and THATS perfection...

when it comes to feb = love, people will automatically think feb = love among couples, relationship men and women, husbands and wives,  etc...and when it comes to mistake, these relationships are the magnet of it...

after a 'break-up' 3yrs ago (well, not exactly a break-up, but he left me for another girl, and yet, they are no longer together as i wrote this post), i realized that i should buy books...books about relationship...books about love...books about long-lasting relationship...ada ka???

as a student, i had trained myself to follow rules or steps...especially in lab, i must follow the steps and prevent any possible errors...so, i neeeeeeeed those books to help me....to guide me to a better me...in relationship...for me, it sounds really desperate (at first)...but since im a perfectionist, i am desperate enough to learn...to learn whats the best for me and for my future partner...because break-up is SUXXXXXZ....

so my first book about relationship is "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray...(promote jap...) if u want to buy any books about relationship, do buy this book first and foremost...why?? because u have to understand your man and yourself first...this book teach u how to understand your man (for girls' case)...and this book also teach u that all the differences your former gf/bf said bout u or vice versa, can be treated/prevented with understanding among the sexes...so this book is really all-in-one...

The primary love needs of women and men:
a) women need to receive: 1.caring, 2. understanding, 3.respect, 4.devotion, 5.validation, 6.reassurance...


b) men need to receive: 1.trust, 2.acceptance, 3.appreciation, 4.admiration, 5.approval, 6.encouragement...


*so, give those to ur partner...


The biggest different between mars and venus:
- men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others...
- meaning: men always back and forth from the natural him to the silent him...natural: ladies...have fun with him...silent: ladies...go and find your girl-friend for chat...while ladies' rise-and-fall: gents, understand ur lady...
- conclusion: gents understand the ladies, the ladies set the gents free to silent mode...


through this book, i realized that the cant-stop-talking routine of mine, was the biggest mistake i ever made in my past relationship...it really showed me that i am not fully understand him as a man...i am not aware when he pulled back...and when i should shut my f-ing mouth...and now i knew, i hope that i can detect the pull-back and practice to zip up my kissable mouth in my current/future relationship...

this is for u....

2009....

we talked...we text-ed...we met...

i love...u love...us...

2010...

rocky...windy...teary...

i love...u loved...us...her

2011...

arguing...pretending...crying...

i loved...u loved...us...

but...

considering...caring...surviving...

i love...u love..us...friend...

2012...

shocking...shocking...crying...

i love...u love...us...hope...

now...

i miss...u miss?

i love...u love?

i have loved u for a thousand years, and i will love you for thousands more...

and i wont let you be the one that got away...