aku hidup untuk diri sendiri...

this past few days kn, i knew other people's opinions about me...most of the time, im a positive thinker...so, words spoken will never affect me...but this time, gosh, it really hurts me A LOT....i cant really describe me how much it pains me...but, i just stayed positive and assumed that they have no clue whatsoever about things that happened to me...

well, my forever best-est best friend is my mom...she knew everything about me...we are so damn close...i almost cry when we talked about this bullshit...

i dont really care what others might think of me...because i live for me not for them...whatever decisions i made or will make is basically for my own good...

did they ever consider about me when they made decisions in their life before? obviously, NO...

do they will think of me as part of their decisions next? obviously, NO...

because they are who they are...they live for themselves...they made decisions for their own good...and any problems they encountered stayed in their freaking mind until they find the perfect solutions...

and thats what happened to me too...FYI, it happens all the time...who said life isnt about ups and downs? those who didnt experienced the wheel of life, are not human...

i do have my own problems...lots of it...some i found the perfect solutions...some i found so-so solutions...while some i cant even think of any way out...oh not to mention the pending problems...gosh...

im studying not working...so, obviously money is the major problem...i knew it will be my problem since i studied in matric...thus, i learned how to control my money flow...i seldom asked money from anyone mostly my family unless if i really needed it...i seldom asked my family to buy me things unless if they offered then i will say yes...my money source is my parents...i know how much my dad's monthly income...i know how much will my dad pay for utilities each month...and i know how much money left...and i do know how much will i get from it...

i do really sorry for my parents...i feel like im leech-ing their money out...i always wanted to stop my parents from giving me money...but, they will always give...if they asked me if i still have enough money, sometimes i did lied to them, and said i have enough...but inside my purse, its lesser than enough...

after the conversation with my mom, i think of quitting uni...i can always apply back to study...and will look for a job to please everyone...and for the first time, my motto of "live for my own" is useless...how can i study happily and peacefully if im the leech? 

if i have kids one day, i will always support them if they want to further their study...thats what my parents did to me and thats what i will do...i know my mom wanted me to further my study, but i cant because others might not like it...its not easy to please everyone...but for the time being, quitting is the best way out...cause i dont wanna be the leech in anybody's eyes...

huh? suka bawa payung?

yeah...aku obses bw payung...i cant leave my house without it...and i dont know why...

everytime i went out, i will always considering - to bring or not to bring...but, sure u know the answer...

serius, aku benci...

aku ada sorg kwn ni...knl nta dr thun bila...dia kazen with my best buddy...dr awl kmi knl, dia mmg tau sy ada special someone...till one day, i told him la yg im currently single, since he asked me if im still with his cousin or not...

but before he asked me that, he always said that he likes me...he always asked if i will be his gf one day...and as always my answer will be no, not now...

since i knew him, i never asked anything about his current/past relationship...coz for me kn, sbagai kwn x perlu la mau tau...mcm busy body pla...

but he always call me syg eventho im not his syg...sy x kesa if dia mau pgl sy syg...coz i just assume syg is my new nickname instead of afen...

from the first time, i gave him my number, i was like not wanting/expecting his call/text...i gave him my dg, so i left my dg phone in my bedroom, always...but after a few days, few phone calls and few texts from him, i decided to reply all, its been ages since i last reload my dg so i used my celcom...but actually kn, sy x suka ba mau reply or talk with any guy..tp rsa bsalah punya pasal sy reply all msgs tmasuk la msgs yg sy x reply dulu2 x kira sepa sendernya...

recently, after weeks of silence between the two of us, i decided to give him a call...as always im syg...he asked me again if i would love to be his gf...and as always i said no, not now...

lg 1 benda aku x ska is aku x ska mau cek fb org...apa lg mau bca latest status updates...but yesterday, i was 'told' to check his fb...so i checked la...guess what i found in his timeline..earlier feb 2012, twice ah he puts married to _________...and just days before i called him, he changed from married to single...

his latest posts kn mainly about a guy and a cheating girl...1 postnya he mention yg llki n ppuan tu da bbek n da blik together n happy with a child...so i asked him why...dgn kerasnya lg sy tnya dia...

finally dia mgaku...mmg dia setia dgn ppuan tu slama ni...tp ppuan tu curang dgn dia...and i was like, wow, pndi ko tipu sy slama ni ya...and he said "sy mmg ska ko"...nsb bek sy cma agp dia kwn...

then sy msg la dia, "sburuk2 mn pun prangai ppuan tu, if ko mmg syg dgn dia dr dlu, ko patutnya cri jln utk bbek dgn dia...bkn p cri ppuan len utk mlupakn prob...if ko cri ppuan len e2 hanya tmbhkn prob..."

serius aku benci llaki mcm ni...mmg la ht sakit if gf/bf curang...tp jan la gunakan ppuan/llki len utk mlupakan the cheating gf/bf...some cases kn mmg la bkesan cra rebound ni...tp what if the cheating gf/bf wanna us back? ko tau ko mmg ska the cheating gf/bf n ko gna kn ppuan/llki bru, for sure yg bru ko lpaskn kn...e2 la reason why ppl x akn cri bf/gf bru in blink of an eye due to hope...hope that they will be together again...kta sure mharap mcm tu sbb kta tbesa dgn "let loose of someone that u love, if he/she comes back, then he/she is yours to keep"...unless if llki tu mmg ska dgn yg bru then tu len crita la knn...haha

tp yg ppuan ni pun 1...bfnya c A dia curang dgn c B dia break dgn c B dia blik dgn c A then dia curang lg dgn c C...omigod...aku serius benci jua dgn ppuan mcm ni...mcmn la llki akn ska ppuan if llki sndri pun tkt dgn possibility ppuan curang...last2 dpt llki yg curang dan bknnya llki bek...ppuan ni hrus rasa bruntung coz c A mc ska n setia dgn dia...tp org kata setia ni ada had limit...n if dorg ada baby, aku hope sgt2 yg dorg akn blik n setia n happy together for the sake of the baby...

n me? im 23, still young...n i dont wanna have any bf...coz i still wanna enjoy my commitment-free life...

btw, he just called me...he said pls dun get mad...so i just said, sy x mrh, sy cma x mau tmbh masalah...sekian....