i need a break...a.s.a.p

lately, my days went wild...somewhere between those days, i wished i can say shit loudly to those who really poisoned my days...

i do like to compete...i do like competition...BUT in a positive way...

most of my time, i compete with my own self...i race with a paper in which i wrote my aims...

my aims guide me on every level in life before i achieve the better me...

i will never compete with others on who has the coolest/latest gadgets, who has a handsome partner, who has a perfect wedding with a cost reach the top of kinabalu, etc...

whats the point on participating in that kind of competition??? whats the prize?? 

if someone tell me that he/she has this, he has that, i am ok...as long as he/she didnt compare the things that he/she own with mine...

i am still ok if he/she says positive things about me..and asking me the what if question...but i am not ok, if he/she make the what if question a statement with a tone...without the tone, i am still ok...

one of my aim is to stay positive...but the more positive i am, the more negative thinker nearing me...example, the what if statement with a tone...eventhough i dont like it, i take it as a compliment...

but lately, i received a lot of this kind of compliment...i really need a break from it now...

the negative energy filling me up faster than i thought...

the materialistic type of competition blankets me...

i keep saying to myself "afen, please stay positive, be strong and keep your mouth shut..."

i do want to say "are you jealous??" but then, im not that kind of person...i still keep my mouth shut in order to prevent argument...

btw, i know they were jealous, and with that thought in mind, i manage to stay positive while im in a negative cloud...there is no point to argue with jealousy...

eventhough im hurting inside, but i always let them win...